So has anybody come up with their own New Year’s Resolutions yet?
Gawd almighty, I hate that task and this is why I though that I would write a story about it – I’ve therefore embraced the cliché, dusted it off, fluffed it’s little feathers up and then painted on my own little humorous spin on the proceedings.
So before we begin, how about a terrific video from Wong Fu Productions?
(Two Weeks Later: Resolution Fails – a very funny video that compliments this post nicely – the link can be found on the original post on my website or at the end of this e-mail if you’re reading it in an e-mail browser format….I hope)
My story this time round is mostly dialogue based – hope that it raises a chuckle or three, enjoy.
Next Year’s Resolutions (by David Ellis)
Tom and Jeremy plonked themselves down on the sofa, clutching the brows of their aching noggins, still suffering from their hangovers from the previous night’s New Year Celebration revelry.
Tom however looked very pleased with himself.
“The problem with most people nowadays Jeremy is that they set themselves tasks that are impossible to achieve. Everyone has their limits and they have to make achievable goals to reflect this. Take drinking for example….”
Jeremy interrupted irritably – “Ah yes, booze. God my head hurts. Since it’s a New Year and a fresh new start, what kind of resolution are you going to make about the demon drink?”
“Well I’m going to drink less. And when I say drink less, I mean less wine. The occasional beer isn’t really drinking, especially if it’s after work or with a meal. And since I tend to drink more red than say white or Rosé, I think I will reduce my red intake and have the odd glass of white/Rosé instead.”
“Isn’t that robbing Peter to pay Paul?”
“Not from where I’m standing. Hell, it’s practically healthy!”
“How do you mean exactly Tom?”
“Well Jeremy…” Tom unfolded his arms and started to gesticulate like he was a college professor illustrating a particularly tricky mathematical theory to an avid pupil.
“They say that you can clear up a red wine stain off the sofa if you pour white wine on it.” He beamed triumphantly.
“So?” Jeremy looked both puzzled and indignant, which gave him the air and grace of someone with mild constipation.
Tom looked at him haughtily like he was every so slightly thick.
“So my dear Jeremy, imagine the good it will do my body – might clean me pipes out a treat.”
“That’s hogwash Tom but I see no point in arguing the point with you – what other resolutions have you got up your sleeves?”
“I’m also going to eat less chocolate.”
“But you hardly ever eat chocolate Tom, you eat biscuits instead.”
“Exactly. Achievable. I can’t lose!”
“But the biscuits that you eat have chocolate on them!”
“Not as much chocolate as you find in an actual bar of chocolate though – everything in moderation.” Tom tapped his nose knowingly.
Jeremy threw his hands up in exasperation – “OK, fine, what about exercise? Are you going to make a resolution for that then?”
“Yes I did, I thought of going to the gym. But I had another resolution where I wanted to save more money and spend less therefore I’m going to exercise at home.”
“I’ve never ever seen you do a push-up or a sit-up.”
“Well I walk to the shops don’t I? That has to count. I’ll just take the scenic route instead.”
“Which is what?”
“Well if I walk down the road instead of up, that should significantly increase the number of steps that I take.”
“To a shop where you are buying booze and biscuits.”
“That’s not fair Jeremy.” Tom pouted. “Sometimes I buy milk too.”
“So your resolutions are to drink ever so slightly less….red wine, to exercise ever so slightly more and to eat less of a junk food that you don’t particularly partake much of in the first place?”
“That’s about the size of it.”
“Well I have to admit that sounds very achievable – I’ll drink to that.”
“Me too – pub?”
“Sounds good – while we’re there, we can start to think about Next Year’s Resolutions!”