Hello everybody – how’s it hanging?
Do you have a hankering for a story that will move you like swan song, a gorgeous opera, a heavy bout of energetic lovemaking or even a particularly tricky bowel movement?
Well then, once again you’ve come to the right place!
(Unless it’s the last one, in which case use the restroom down the hall, first on your right, past the vending machine).
Here is this week’s story in all of it’s heavenly glory.
Try not to eat it up too fast – these things don’t grow on trees.
Junior’s First Words (by David Ellis)
“Turn the TV set off – your son is trying to talk to you!”
“I don’t speak baby babble kitten. Plus I’m missing the game. Pass me another brew would you darlin’?”
“Hello?” She waved frantically in front of his face, causing him to grunt in consternation. “I asked you a question Joe – how old do you think your son is?”
“I dunno. You know I ain’t good at math cupcake. At least one?”
“He’s two and a half – Jeez Louise! It’s like you spend your whole life watching that damn TV set.”
“That’s not true Isabelle. Why, take last week for example when I mowed the lawn……”
“Huh yeah, for about the first time in over three years and that’s only ‘cos I made your fat, lazy ass do it ‘cos my Mommy & Daddy were coming round.”
“Baby, I can’t be tied down. I’m a free spirit, y’know?”
“I can see plenty of free spirit alright, being suckled down your gullet in Jack and Cokes.”
Joe sighed and switched off the TV set.
“OK then, you win cherry pie. Let’s see what Junior has to say for himself.”
“He nearly said his first word yesterday.”
“He’s moved beyond ‘blurruglefloobitydooperdurgle’? That’s progress I guess.”
“Do you even care about your son’s development? If you took an interest, he could be a doctor. A musician. A scientollorolloragist.”
“Careful with the big words Izzy darlin’ – don’t want to be doing yourself an injury there pancake.”
She stood up and put two fingers of each hand in the air like quotation marks – “Huh, well I’m sorry “Professor” – I’m surprised you have a brain at all, I thought watching too much TV could make you dumber than a box of chocolates dropped at an old people’s home.”
Joe danced Junior on his leg and Junior giggled.
“Sounds like Mommy is in a real bad mood Junior – do you think she wants a hug?”
Junior shrugged then tried to squirm off Joe’s knee.
“I need more than just a hug. I need you to start doing something with your life and set a good example for Junior.”
“What brought all this on?”
She bit her lip. “I’m pregnant again Joe.”
The bottom had just fallen out of Joe’s world.
“You’re sure you have another bun in the oven Sweet Pea?
He really wished he had told her about the snip just after Junior’s birth.
But the time had never been right.
Hell, they didn’t get that intimate often anyway.
And now their family was going to have to live with more than one secret.
“This is the happiest day of my life.” Joe’s stomach knotted as he uttered these words but he showed nothing but elation to Isabelle.
“Oh do you really mean it Joe?” Isabelle hugged him.
“Yes I do.”
But he didn’t.
As Isabelle sauntered off humming happily into the kitchen, Joe poured himself another Jack and Coke then turned to Junior.
“Here’s to the future….” He raised his glass to Junior’s inquisitive stare.
“You said it kid – you said it.”