Hello there.

Who’s up for some comedy? You? You? Not you again, you’ve had your fill, now clear off!

Honestly, some people eh?

As for the rest of you, roll up, roll up and enjoy the show.

This particular number came about with a conversation via a very funny good friend of mine (Tasha Nayder – @twistnshoutgirl), who suggested I turn it into a parody poem after my hilarious encounter with a fast food pizza delivery survey.

So I did – for better, for worse and all that malarkey!

Feast your eyes below, you hungry little hungry muchachos – let’s get stuck in!

“The Survey” by David Ellis

Which store did you order delivery from?

3 or more miles away?;
2 miles? It gets worse;
Seriously, a mile away?;
Even less? You f*t b*stard!

Did we adequately explain the specials menu on the phone?

Yes, in detail;
Specifics were somewhat sketchy;
I wanted a pizza, not the third degree

Can we round up the pennies and give the difference to charity?

Yes, by all means;
No, charity begins at home, not on your nelly! (This was not my response before you all shout, curse and call me a ponce!)

Did you order any sides and what were they like?

Chicken goujons, food of the Gods;
Potato wedges, nourishing carbs;
Ice cream to finish yourself off?;
Salad? Hah! You’re having a laugh

How about the sauces, did they taste nice?

Sweet Chilli, now that has a kick;
Garlic & Herb was a bit runny, like refried sick;
Honey and Mustard smelt of wee;
(Actually I just went to the toilet, maybe that’s just me)

Was the driver polite at the door before handing over your order?

Salaciously delicious?
Mildly inappropriate?
Robotic?
Borderline psychotic?

How did you find the pizza base, may I be so bold to ask?

Nutty?
Crunchy?
Buttery?
Smelly?
Slimy?
A bacterial orgy?

Would you be willing to recommend us to your friends?

Yes, without hesitation;
Certainly not without lobotomisation

Thank you for your participation, additional comments are welcome!

P.S. I have nothing but respect for my local pizza joints, who do a great job every time – well done lads and ladesses, you rock my world!

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