Poem / Poetry / Song Parody – “Paella Crimes” by David Ellis (a spoof of Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke & Pharrell Williams)

Hello everyone.

I’ve written my own spoof parody of Blurred Lines because I was feeling in a playful kind of mood…and more than likely a little hungry too 😉

I’ve written this one specifically for my Spanish friends and also connoisseurs of the traditional authentic Spanish cuisine that makes everyone’s mouths water! (No, not beer although I’m sure that does the same job too!)

Here are the original lyrics and link to the official YouTube video should you wish to make a comparison to my version and to give you an idea of the tune that it was written to:-

Blurred Lines – Lyrics

Maybe one day I will sing it as well but until then I hope you enjoy it as it is 🙂

Also if you like this then check out Weird Al Yankovic’s Word Crimes, which is also awesome!

“Paella Crimes” by David Ellis (a parody of Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke & Pharrell Williams)

Everybody fire up the wok!
Get that pan nice and hot!
Hey hey hey (Ow, I burnt my finger!)
Hey hey hey (Ow, get me a sticking plaster!)

If you can’t make a dish in the proper way
If you don’t follow a recipe authentically
Maybe I’m going nuts
Maybe it’s just my tastebuds
Maybe you should stick to cooking spuds and nothing else

Okay, now I know that hurts
Not trying to denigrate you
But you’re messing with the traditional
And it’s not respectful
Just let me enlighten you
You don’t need to be a traitor
Just follow these simple rules
And that’s why we’re going to make a

Good paella
I know you want it
Can hear you salivating
But before we begin
Let’s make a few things clear
The rice is brown not yellow
It should not contain chorizo
And if there’s no seafood
Then it’s just rice and vegetables
Stop trying to fool Spaniards
And other food connoisseurs
With all of these inferior abominations

I blame the supermarkets
Would it kill them to use a pinch of saffron?
Yet, they couldn’t care less
It’s all about profits
That’s why you got to be a good girl (or boy)
And make it yourself
Or suffer the consequences
Offending our ancestors in the process
For the sake of convenience

What do they make cookbooks for?
When you’ve got no time to invest
What do we need steamers for?
If we’re not going to use them
I feel so funky, so cheap
Hey hey hey, ugh!
You wanna fix me?
Hey hey hey
What rhymes with sick?
Yeah, that’s right, this tastes like shi…Hey hey hey
Hey!

We’ve established your home is not Valencia though
So then there is one thing that I ask of you
Lemme be the one to back this up
Into the territory of cordon bleu
Let’s say you’re in Paris, France and not Malibu
You can add champagne for a touch of class,
And indulge in a glass or two, that’s both sexy and cool
Or if you’re in Greece then feta will make it taste even better
Internationally sourced ingredients can make a world of difference
Something to make this party in our mouths more flavourful
Rather than making it unbearable
A hundred years of evolution down the drain
Pull a fast one why don’t you
Serving everything with chips and ketchup because it’s foreign, an ode to fast food
The only thing I can take away is that you haven’t a clue
You’ve given me an offer that I can simply refuse
Also shop bought is stuffed with many chemicals, so
Let’s get back to the kitchen so we can go

Shake your lumps, sugar
Strain them all out
Do it until your fingers hurt
We can make this work
Even if you’re not a chef by a long shot
Hey!

Baby, use your teeth
Chew your food properly
You don’t want indigestion
No need to choke on peas
No more heartburn
Cos now we’re winning
Here’s to our new beginning
I always wanted a

Good paella
Wait, where’s the mussels and prawns?
Is that squid or just one of its tentacles?
Is that a piece of grit and salty seaweed?
Why does my mouth feel like the bottom of the ocean?
What have I done
To deserve this hell?
It’s so watery
I feel like I’m eating gruel
Somebody help me, I’m feeling faint
The room is spinning and I’m being
Beaten up underwater by a smelly demon
I’d give my kingdom for some

Good paella but this is more like “Good grief, paella!”
And on another important note
Where the f*ck is my wedge of lemon?
This is homicide, the absolute worst of paella crimes
Leaving this out is an act of treason
Get ready to be sued into oblivion
You’ve created culinary armageddon

Everybody throw up, oohhhh
Everybody get your stomachs pumped
Hey hey hey – noooooooo!
Heh hey hey – aaaaaahhhh!
Hey hey hey – home cooking only from now on but only if you follow the recipe properly!

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8 thoughts on “Poem / Poetry / Song Parody – “Paella Crimes” by David Ellis (a spoof of Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke & Pharrell Williams)

  1. wait… you rewrote a song that, if my memory serves correctly… and it seldom does… but wasn’t that the one they were accused of stealing in the first place??? But awesome job!

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